I dont know where to start with my thoughts.
I feel depressed, insecure, stresses and the list goes on.
I always feel unattractive around him, almost like he is just settling because i am there.
This has been bothering me for a while.
He says that he thinks i am beautiful and whatnot but why would he say i dont find you that attractive to my face you know.
I think this all stems from the girls that he finds attractive although they are models or whatever it still bothers me because i am the complete opposite of them.
Then i just start thinking well what is it that you see in me?
When i first met him he made me feel like the most beautiful woman ever, i dont know if its because we have been together for a few months now. And i am going through the phase of, he is going to find someone else. I mean honestly i cannot stop him from finding anyone, or looking at other girls.
I sometimes feel like a masochist because i keep asking him questions about his x's or wanting to know what they look like. and of course they all have kind of a similarity but i am the opposite. And i just keep asking him and it just makes me feel worse and i dont know why i keep doing it. It drives me so crazy, and i cant stop. Its like those people that suspend themselves and they keep doing it and doing it. Why??? i dont knwo why. Like i said masochist.
Now i am smoking more then ever because this shit is just always on my mind. I dont think that i have ever felt this insecure with someone before. My X i really didnt give a fuck what he thought because i was not in love with him, mmm maybe thats why.
I used to be so happy, i dont know what happened. It sucks. It hurts.
I wish we could go back to what we were. We have been through a rough patch dont want to even go into details about it.
I forgive him, i know that it has a lot to do with how i feel. I want to do something about it and just forget what happened but it is so hard.
Now i am scared because i am staying at his house tonight and i really dont want to go to his house in this state. I am going to be so glum and depressed, and i really dont want him to see me like that or spoil his day more than it was already.
I just want to feel beautiful to him again and it is so hard for me to feel that way.
Hopefully one day i will.

omg fucking finally, im getting a new car :) yay! im gonna post up pics later, im leaving soon to go get it. im so excited.

just realize that i am paying for tabulas and lj and i never use it. ive been too busy playing pt which i am also paying for so i have to find a way to keep in touch with you guys as well as playing pt =P
ill find a way, hope u guys had a good new year and also a good christmas, damn i havent been here in forever, since july
well back to pt, take care

wow its been months since i posted here, vacation and pt has had the best of me. im so out of the whole web scene but i am getting back into it. im officially a pt addict. so i play honestly for about 10 hours straight and i have no time to work on a new layout for thischick.com, running out of ideas, i bought a couple magazines and stuff for some layout inspiration, im tired of using the same old fashion kind of layouts on my site. hopefully soon i will have a new layout and another thing that i am getting tired of-- vectors!! my god. they are just really getting on my damn nerves. if you vector your own artwork thats cool and stuff but i think that everyone is overdoing it, it was cool at first its getting really old. my scanner is broken :( so i cant scan in any of my work. i need to get a new one, i drew a couple of things one day when i was bored need to scan them in so i can color them.

did everyone see oprah the other day? "he's just not that into you" remember those 6 words ladies! like she said it will save you a lot of pain, and therapy for 20 years. I actually watched that episode of sex and the city a couple days before so when they showed it even before berger said it to miranda i knew, and my mom was like you watch way to much satc :)
but its true though. we will save a whole lot of time. why do guys play these games with us? their excuse is that they dont want to hurt us! bullshit. leading us on hurts us even more. shit i just wanna know straight up, is it gonna work or not. if you want me thats all nice and peachy and if you dont then i can go and move on and not think bout yo ass!

well off to bed
peace and hair grease :)

i have really been neglecting this site a lot. well i will one day be back i hope. been busy with work and shit. so one day ill be back with new layout and new everything.
take care

back at lj again, had an account before but i deleted it, hopefully i will be here longer